Eyes rule in Tango

How to find a partner (2 minute read)

Imagine you are in Bejing for business, or in New York. You are sitting in the lobby of your hotel, being bored. Then you think: “Why not dance some tango?“ and check a local tango calendar on your phone to see if there is a milonga (tango event) that night. You take a cab to the venue you found and enter, pay the small fee, and there you are. You know no one, and you have to find a dance partner. But how?

You use the cabaceo.

You scan the room. If you see someone you would enjoy dancing with, you fixate your eyes on her for a moment. She¹ is also scanning the room. When she notices your gaze, she either ignores you, or holds your eyes for a second. If she does, you indicate with a slight nod that you would like to dance. When she nods in return, you walk to her, offer your hand and accompany her to the dance floor, and off you go.

This meeting of the eyes and the slight nod is called cabaceo.

After four songs, the deejay plays a cortina (curtain in Spanish). This is a piece of non-tango music that lasts a minute or so. All couples thank each other,  and the man accompanies the lady to her place, and they part ways. Now the process starts again, and hopefully, you will find a new partner. This pattern repeats itself all night.

It is a great system. I can ask a lady on the other side of the dance floor, even from ten meters away, without having to walk over. It saves face because most probably no one will notice if she doesn't want to dance with me. Imagine walking across a crowded room, and then be rejected, for all to see! Not good, as I can tell you from experience. It is also a burden on the lady because it is no fun to refuse someone so publicly. Tango, in a way, is brutal: you will be rejected, and you will reject, but this system makes the process less painful.

It is an equal opportunity system: ladies can ask, and ladies can reject as easily as a man.

So, a system with no downsides. Unless you lose your contact lenses…

1. I write from my own, male perspective. All of this equally applies the other way around. Also, some venues are more open-minded than others for a man looking for a male dance partner. There are also dedicated milongas for same-sex couples. Then there are venues where everybody dances both as a leader and a follower. I love to dance both roles.